I wrote to Kristi and Bill, from Adventures In Italy today and asked them to hold a spot for me in Italy. I don't have all my ducks in a row, I am taking a huge risk and chance but hoping in the next few days - I will know more where I am going. I just took a step of faith. Okay... so my inner critics are asking me if I am crazy stupid right about now. I think I might be.
I have been asking myself all week, am I this selfish to take this extravagant trip for myself, when money is tight and to go overseas alone. I have been asking myself, am I so driven to get what I want... regardless of the cost to all of us...
Well to tell you the truth, I have never been selfish about anything in my life and everyone and everything comes before anything I have ever wanted for myself. I guess this has always been easy for me because I don't think I have ever really known what it is I want. I tend to just go with the flow and live from one day to the next. And tend to just go where life takes me. At times it's felt like I have lived a one dimensional life. Like I am a flat person, lacking depth. I don't think I have ever really thought about my future or ever really had a dream or what it is that I hope for. I think this has been my life story. I feel like I have spent the last 40 years doing what everyone has always expected of me and doing what is good and right and proper but not necessarily living the life I had choosen for myself. Because in truth, I had never really known what that might be.
I think persuing art at this stage of my life is that I do believe I have found something in this world that I feel I belong to. I feel like perhaps it is the thing I have been looking for forever. And I do believe this trip isn't just about painting with some incredible artists but it is in the CHOOSING. It's about wanting something. For me. For real. Perhaps for the first time in my life. And it isn't about just going with the flow but it's about going against what is expected of me. I think it might be about finding my voice and using it. I think it might be about responding to the gentle quiet whisper calling your name... and even though you know it's but a mere whipser - you know you have been called and you know you have to respond.